My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band