It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
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[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.