My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
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Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
People buying plungers never look happy.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.