Horrifying if literal: a handbag
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Barbie gone wild
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
When someone says, “I can’t believe how cool the mornings are getting,” I picture the morning with greased-back hair and a leather jacket.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*