I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
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My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
I told my wife I wanted a ferret, and the very idea made her so mad that for a second I thought I had mistakenly brought home a ferret.
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Twitter remains undefeated
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.