I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”