my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
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Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
(at a party)
them: truth or dare.
me: dare.
them: go home.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad