Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
The biggest mystery of our time
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.