I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
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I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine