Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
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‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.