before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
We take our 40% off sale seriously at
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
A family that plays together cheats.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me