ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
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Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven