ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
You Might Also Like
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.