*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
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I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
Meat Cute
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february