The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
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[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.