*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: