[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit