JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
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You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
The funk soul brother
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
women will be like ‘i just want to be friends’ and then turn around and use a can opener to open some tuna. idk, I’ve never spoken to a woman, im just trying to post relatable content, am I close
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.