COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
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*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Recycling in 2019: I’m not an alcoholic haha I just had a party
Recycling in 2020: omg I swear I didn’t have a party I’m just an alcoholic
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.