My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”