I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
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rise and shine we got egg
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and