Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
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Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel