Left at a local drug store…
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Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”