Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
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Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!