This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
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[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?