I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
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ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
*watches the world burn*
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
🖤✌🏽
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.