I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.