ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
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My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.