[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
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I already tried new things thanks.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
as is their right
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.