Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
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They’re the worst 😩
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.