Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
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remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
the greatest twitter interaction
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.