70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
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What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority