[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.