McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
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Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.