Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
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My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.