Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
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My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
me 2 months after i graduated
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.