Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station