Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
concern