Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
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Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
#SCOTUS one-star review
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Sheep
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one