I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
You Might Also Like
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
New comic up. “Ransom”
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
WTF
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.