men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Strange
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.