My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
What?
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.