Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
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During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.