I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees