Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Girl, same.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
The photographer’s assistant
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
watergate? u mean a dam??
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.