If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
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How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.