Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
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is it earth
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
I love the honesty
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies