I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
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If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
this came to me in a vision
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Comparing yourself to others
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.