dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
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I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”