when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
You Might Also Like
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
The glory of fall.
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Friend: [showing baby photos]
Me: Ah yes, very baby
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames